The Lucius Malfoy Fans' Guide To Smut
by Duchess of Inkling
Summary: Join me as I stab wildly at the authors of smutty Lucius fics who daringly assume that sexual assault is pleasurable, who use rape as a plot device, and abusive!Lucius as an excuse for characterisation.
1. Default Chapter

The Lucius Malfoy Fan's Guide To Smut  
  
(A/N The purpose of this story is to make you, my gentle readers, cringe as I myself have cringed at the state of the smutty Lucius fics out there. Ignoring the incest-fics and the slash fics- both of whom at least do not seem to take themselves too seriously- there is the horrible domain of the het fics, which are usually awful enough to make any sensual female recoil. This, in other words, is a parody- a very mean, nasty parody, meant to make you view this genre in an entirely new light, and hate it. And, if possible, to provoke in you a desire to better what is so ungenerously on offer; to write something truly beautiful, that can decorate our dreams and furnish our desires! Etc. )  
  
Part one: The Encounter, or; How One Imbecile Stumbles Into Another  
  
He frolicked.... No, I'm sorry, he strutted into the room, his long hair still the colour of that one most precious metal, every aspect of him emphasising his assets and demanding instant satisf.... I mean, respect. He was alone, this time, and she admired his extremely straight posture for a while, which some may call exaggerated, and the beauty of sneer on his face, that some may call arrogant; the small, disdainful twist at the edge of his mouth that some may call maniacal; the gothic curve of his eyebrows, that some may call conceited; she, however, found in them a comforting and virile confidence, that she, poor female, lacked and longed for. She stared at him ardently, and consistently, even as other people were talking to her, to make sure he could not mistake her intentions. She was absolutely sure she was not being indiscreet, and she did not care about his wife and child one sickle- even if she already heard the whispers about her behind her back, and could already feel the condemning look of shame burn upon her - or maybe that was just because she was always looking the other way when people were speaking to her. At last, her courage was rewarded- after a while, he hopped...glided through the crowd towards her, stopped when his entire imposing body was mere inches away from hers and said: "I don't believe we've met."  
  
She gazed up at him, her mouth open, betraying her unseemly urges rather theatrically in my humble opinion, and said: "......No.... I don't believe we have. Duchess of Twinkling." She extended her supposedly elegant hand. He looked down at it for a moment, then took it in his own, and brought it up to his mouth, where he ran his tongue along her index finger and.....I mean, kissed it with a look of mischief etched in his comely features. She could not help but hyperventilate frantically at his touching her, and started to fan herself eagerly.  
  
"Lucius Malfoy." He purred. He then took a small book from his pocket, leafed through it, and said: "A pleasure it is."  
  
Trying to read the title and author's name on the cover of the book, and quite forgetting to fan herself, she said: "Oh, the pleasure is entirely mine..."  
  
He smirked. "Well, that's enough semi-suggestive talk for one night, don't you think? The author obviously does not have time nor skill nor patience to establish erotic tension, so let us cease with the niceties and get down to what you might call business." At which he took her by the arm and dragged her from the room.  
  
Part Two: The Fiery Scope of Desire, or; How The Reader Suddenly Ends Up In A 6th Rate Porn Movie  
  
As they arrived in the anonymous room, she backed away from him, gazing up at his pale eyes, and started to strip off her clothes. Expecting him to approach her, and anticipation buzzing through her body, she was even more surprised when he took the book from his pocket, leafed through it again, and snarled at her: "What do you think you're doing?"  
  
Puzzled, she replied, shaking back her hair: "Well, what do you think?"  
  
"Stop that this instant!" he yelled, looking at his book fanatically. She raised an eyebrow as he mumbled to himself, gazing with the utmost attention at a particular passage in the book '......approach subject with speed and confidence. Impress dominance and authority upon subject.....' Immediately after finishing reading these lines aloud, he took a few steps towards her, a look of superiority more evident than ever in his eyes. She backed away quickly, to his right, and said: "Wait a minute. Why are you doing what the book says?"  
  
His eyes narrowed. "You fool, what makes you think I'm doing what this book says? What do you know about the book? Now be a good girl and do as I say." He checked something in the book, then pounced on her again, but she quickly dodged him, having anticipated this.  
  
"Oh, for god's sake, why are you being so troublesome," she said. "Why can't we just...." She jumped onto and off the bed on the other side as he made for her again.  
  
"Because you're doing it all wrong!" he snarled. "You are supposed to be intimidated by my power, confidence and beauty, and give yourself over into my control, so that I can use the sexual and mental power I have over you for my own means, while destroying your life. Since we have passed by the most fitting start for our relationship-rape- I now have to resort to demeaning you and crushing your spirit in various other non-consensual ways, in order to make you utterly physically and mentally dependent on me. Obviously."  
  
"So you're going to all this trouble just to get to a perverse sort of S&M relationship?" she said, rather interested. A grin formed on her lips. "Why can't we just skip to the loveslave bit now?"  
  
"Because you and I both know that there is no such thing as completely consensual sex in stories about me!" he said, walking around the bed slowly and predatorily, "Not only can sexual assault serve as a most beautiful plot device, it is the only way people can think of to keep me in character while also have me....ah....'make love', which in itself is of course a term not associated with me."  
  
"Yes, but why does it have to be non-consensual to be perverted and wrong?" she replied, jumping over the bed again to retrieve her wand which had fallen out her robes as she had started to take them off. "There are so many fabulous sorts of perversion which are perfectly capable of giving us both pleasure without ruining my life."  
  
"Because......." Lucius opened the book, and searched through it for a while before he found what he was looking for, ".... those are....'no fun'." He snapped the book shut. "But.....what does that matter?" Suddenly he appeared in front of her, and grabbed her by the shoulders, his fingers pressing into her flesh so hard it hurt her. "Now then...." Said he, his face very close to hers. She merely smiled up at him, her body limp in his hands, a willing, powerless mass, and...  
  
With a loud crack she dissaparated from his grip, and apparated a few streets further on. "What a cad." She said to herself, and went home. 


	2. The Unexpected Second Chapter

The Unexpected Second Chapter  
  
(In which a few points from the first chapter are explained)  
  
With a sigh, Lucius Malfoy turned around, straightened his hair and his cloak, and, having regained his composure, left the room, and was about to go down the stairs when, out of nowhere, a girl appeared right in front of him.  
  
"Are you mad?" she said to him, looking aggravated. "Can't you do anything right? Not only are you disobeying the rules of smut, you're being completely out of character!"  
  
For a moment, Lucius' eyes widened in surprise, but then he suppressed his true feeling, raised his eyebrows and said coolly: "Who are you, exactly?"  
  
Now it was the girl's turn to be surprised. She was struck silent for a few seconds, then flailed her arms in anger. "It doesn't matter who I am!" she said. "You're obstructing our pleasure, as well as our possibilities to get Draco together with Harry!"  
  
"My son?" Lucius said. "Draco, my son? Together with....." He was speechless- though from which emotion, it was impossible to tell- Anger? Disbelief? Confusion? "Excuse me?" he finally said, his voice a dangerous whisper. "I think I may have misunderstood you." It sounded not like an apology, but an accusation.  
  
The girl was slightly intimidated now. "Draco..... erm...." She said, gazing up at him.  
  
"You see, I think you said something about my son being together with...." Lucius said, gazing down at her distastefully. "But I am sure I misinterpreted what you were saying. Would you be so kind as to elaborate?"  
  
The girl stayed silent. This really wasn't going the way she had hoped it would. She drew a big breath and said, hastily: "We just feel that you should be obeying the rules, and give us what we ask for."  
  
"Which is?" said Lucius, raising one eyebrow.  
  
"Violence." Said the girl simply, shrugging.  
  
Lucius' eyes narrowed. "Give you what you ask for?" he repeated. "I would, but it seems you don't really know what you are asking for. Of course, if you truly want violence...." He drew his wand slowly, ".... I shall only be too happy to give it to you. However, I advise you to refrain from making any comments about my son." He was now spitting out each word, "If I were you, miss, I would be glad that I am not planning to risk a life sentence in Azkaban just for the pleasure of making you suffer, or, believe me, I would have decided that the intolerable insults you have just uttered about me and my family sorely deserve an Unforgivable."  
  
At these words, he pointed his wand at her face. The girl whimpered. Lucius huffed at her contemptuously, and, with a powerful shove, pushed her down the stairs. Screaming, she tumbled down the stairs, and landed at the bottom with a small thud.  
  
"Luuucius!" Narcissa Malfoy immediately called, "When will you finally learn to clean up your own mess! Now Spazzy has to do it, and you know how bad he is at cleaning up corpses!"  
  
"In a minute, dear," Lucius said, and disapparated to Snape's house for a few very stiff drinks.  
  
The End. 


End file.
